"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you can learn to appreciate things when they are right and sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together."
Recently I recalled the day that I received the photos from the 2011 Fashion Week back from the photographer. The artists colors popped, models were in stride, and everything seemed perfect. But what affected me the most was the picture of my friends and I. It was this picture that made me realize that I was beautiful. Ugh its one of those blogs, right. No this blog is about a woman who invested, supported, catered and loved someone to the point that she could not recognize her ownself.
Unlike most women (yeah right), I have been hurt in the past by the men who held my heart. Now I may not have given my whole heart at times, but 90% of me was there in full stride. Nevertheless I have been lied to, cheated on, drugged (chemically), and made to feel as if I wasn't worth his time. Now was I doing everything in my power to be a good girlfriend, but there comes a point where enough is enough. The one thing I learned about myself during those times is I shut down when I feel like I've been wronged. I start looking internally as if I am the problem instead of the other person. I become "Insecure."
Now despite moving on with my life, forgetting, and forgiving a lot; I didn't forget the red flags. And even though I know my triggers, I can't stop "shut down" mode. Now the counselor in me (go figure right) lives by evidentiary reasoning. If I can't prove it, then it didn't happen. Now ladies I am aware of the 6th sense called intuition. Its going off like an ol' school alarm clock.
Back to my point. I have been in the semblance of a relationship for over 4 years. In the course of these years, we have never gone on a weekend trip, been to a movie, or bowling. I have never gotten a birthday card, a back massage, or a romantic evening. As a matter of fact, I have a running joke with friends that if I come home and he either hugs me or kisses me on his own; its Armageddon. I get those tokens of affection semi-annually or at least that is what it seems. Now I have planned trips and romantic evenings, they've been cancelled. Bowling and movies, he doesn't have time. Sexy lingerie on the stairs, "I got a headache." So after 4 years of "No", "not now", "maybe later", "I'm tired", the occasional poke in the back, etc., you can kind of see where my self-esteem has gone. Now I have never been a person who needed to be bought or was clingy; I really am more of the care less type. But over time that attitude changed as more of the things that I wanted to do were never done and only the things he liked or wanted to do magically found a way into our scope of practice. If he gave me a compliment, there was a criticism that followed. The only flowers he ever gave me (get this, he actually told me this) belonged to a coworker who received them from her soon-to-be ex. The card was still in them. Ummm Yeah!
Now its the thought that counts, men usually say. But it was someone else's thought. He just piggybacked on it. It's like forgetting your mother's birthday and re-wrapping something you gave her 5 years ago. REALLY MY DUDE!!!!
I used to be this happy, bubbly person who actually enjoyed every aspect of my life. Growing up I learned to appreciate the small things in life, so the big things really don't impressed me that much. People forget that the little things make the big things more beautiful. All I want----quality time. Not another damn car! I could understand if I was the nagging girl who constantly refers to marriage or having a baby; I want a day that I can spend with my man. And since I have not been provided this one request, I have become resentful, investigative, and down right untrusting (more to this one, but it fits). I have never met anyone person in life (substance abuse clients included) that is more focused on just they damn self.
I have invested time, energy, essence, 40-lbs, many tears, letters, poems, p90x, and a hell of a lot of money to feel like the girl with a bag over her head. Outside of the four walls, people think that we are just peaches and cream. You talk highly of me and are so proud to have me on your "team." But I have never heard any of this. Inside these four walls, few words are spoken, I'm always alone even when you're home, and I dont exist because you "got a lot on your mind." So do I. Did I tell you that my sister is having a baby and there's a good chance I may end up with the child. Oh, well you don't have time to listen anyway. Home is supposed to be the place of peace, serenity, and love. Interesting : /
Recently I recalled the day that I received the photos from the 2011 Fashion Week back from the photographer. The artists colors popped, models were in stride, and everything seemed perfect. But what affected me the most was the picture of my friends and I. It was this picture that made me realize that I was beautiful. Ugh its one of those blogs, right. No this blog is about a woman who invested, supported, catered and loved someone to the point that she could not recognize her ownself.
Unlike most women (yeah right), I have been hurt in the past by the men who held my heart. Now I may not have given my whole heart at times, but 90% of me was there in full stride. Nevertheless I have been lied to, cheated on, drugged (chemically), and made to feel as if I wasn't worth his time. Now was I doing everything in my power to be a good girlfriend, but there comes a point where enough is enough. The one thing I learned about myself during those times is I shut down when I feel like I've been wronged. I start looking internally as if I am the problem instead of the other person. I become "Insecure."
Now despite moving on with my life, forgetting, and forgiving a lot; I didn't forget the red flags. And even though I know my triggers, I can't stop "shut down" mode. Now the counselor in me (go figure right) lives by evidentiary reasoning. If I can't prove it, then it didn't happen. Now ladies I am aware of the 6th sense called intuition. Its going off like an ol' school alarm clock.
Back to my point. I have been in the semblance of a relationship for over 4 years. In the course of these years, we have never gone on a weekend trip, been to a movie, or bowling. I have never gotten a birthday card, a back massage, or a romantic evening. As a matter of fact, I have a running joke with friends that if I come home and he either hugs me or kisses me on his own; its Armageddon. I get those tokens of affection semi-annually or at least that is what it seems. Now I have planned trips and romantic evenings, they've been cancelled. Bowling and movies, he doesn't have time. Sexy lingerie on the stairs, "I got a headache." So after 4 years of "No", "not now", "maybe later", "I'm tired", the occasional poke in the back, etc., you can kind of see where my self-esteem has gone. Now I have never been a person who needed to be bought or was clingy; I really am more of the care less type. But over time that attitude changed as more of the things that I wanted to do were never done and only the things he liked or wanted to do magically found a way into our scope of practice. If he gave me a compliment, there was a criticism that followed. The only flowers he ever gave me (get this, he actually told me this) belonged to a coworker who received them from her soon-to-be ex. The card was still in them. Ummm Yeah!
Now its the thought that counts, men usually say. But it was someone else's thought. He just piggybacked on it. It's like forgetting your mother's birthday and re-wrapping something you gave her 5 years ago. REALLY MY DUDE!!!!
I used to be this happy, bubbly person who actually enjoyed every aspect of my life. Growing up I learned to appreciate the small things in life, so the big things really don't impressed me that much. People forget that the little things make the big things more beautiful. All I want----quality time. Not another damn car! I could understand if I was the nagging girl who constantly refers to marriage or having a baby; I want a day that I can spend with my man. And since I have not been provided this one request, I have become resentful, investigative, and down right untrusting (more to this one, but it fits). I have never met anyone person in life (substance abuse clients included) that is more focused on just they damn self.
I have invested time, energy, essence, 40-lbs, many tears, letters, poems, p90x, and a hell of a lot of money to feel like the girl with a bag over her head. Outside of the four walls, people think that we are just peaches and cream. You talk highly of me and are so proud to have me on your "team." But I have never heard any of this. Inside these four walls, few words are spoken, I'm always alone even when you're home, and I dont exist because you "got a lot on your mind." So do I. Did I tell you that my sister is having a baby and there's a good chance I may end up with the child. Oh, well you don't have time to listen anyway. Home is supposed to be the place of peace, serenity, and love. Interesting : /
But I realized something. Somewhere in here I lost the deep, passionate love for myself. I lost the ability to look myself in the mirror and know exactly who was looking back at me. I lost my self "consciousness." I lost the girl who wrote poetry because it was in me, the woman who exuded confidence like fresh morning dew, the songstress who always had a tune on her lips and my adventurous spirit. The ancients believed that we were all born with everything we needed in order to fulfill our destiny. We were given the power to speak to command what we needed. But if it is never received, the voice grows faint. We were given the power to manifest words on paper. But if the letter is never read or responded to, the pen stops writing. We were given the ability to move so that we could travel great distances. But if you never move forward, you remain in the same place.
I realize that I'm a reflection of the relationship I saw between my parents. Nothing my father did was good enough. All he every wanted was for my mother to love him back unconditionally. In everything she found a fault, no matter how trivial. I saw my father's spirit shrivel away. As an adult, I asked him why he stayed and his only response was "because I love her."
I am my father's daughter.
~Isis~
In reading this and knowing who you were, to who you have described, I feel for you Isis and i hope that you can once again find your way back to you, no matter what the cost or expense. I also hope that if/when you realize what is needed to get back to you, that you are willing to take the needed steps to get there. Peace sister.
ReplyDeleteIsis, it is truly sad that a woman with so much to offer had to experience the pain of love or the lack there of. I am a man who has experienced a similar relationship that broke me to my very core. Let me just say “PAIN” has no gender or no age. Sister try and allow yourself to see yourself through the eyes of people who appreciate you and will love you for you. Sometime the restoration of your “Mind” and “Heart” could take longer to repair, but it can be done. You’re beautiful, on the outside, but broken on the inside, but “Love” is still attainable, and I believe you will experience the Love you desire.
ReplyDeleteAllow yourself to forgive this man, because without forgiveness you will only hinder and block your blessing. Be encourage and when you’re looking in the mirror “Reflecting” on being able to see the real you return, speak it, and receive it.
Yang, peace!