Thursday, October 24, 2013

The pain you cause

Many people never see the pain they cause others because they never stick around for the aftermath. But for those of us that do stick around for the aftermath, we know the pain we cause, we see it in that persons conversation, in their actions in their behavior. The things we don't see are the internal workings of that person. We don't see the defense mechanisms that were triggered. We don't see the scorn and the anger that has begun to build because of our actions, we don't see the scars that will never heal. This will not be a long post, this will be a simple piece of advice, before you spark up that conversation that you know you shouldn't be sparking up, before you get involved with that man or woman that you have not business being involved with, before you tell that lie, to cover your ass, think past that moment think past the pleasure, think past your ego, think past your fear. Think deep into the heart of the person you are involved with, think in the future aftermath of your choices. Put yourself their and realize that the pain you cause in the end will not only be theirs but your own.

The god

Thursday, October 11, 2012


When do you release the feeling of being betrayed by the one you gave your all to? Is there a set amount of days, weeks, or hours that you have to achieve before you can graduate from the "Remnant" class? Remnant? Ummm you say. Yeah Remnants...whats left of you once you realized that all the time, trust, and love couldn't keep a motherfucker from being in a situation where the only reason is "it just happened, I didn't plan it." Yes fucker you did. See, society has a knack for making things obviously wrong taboo. The fact that your man hides porn from you is because he doesn't want you looking at him sideways for looking at it. The fact that you have to go beyond your "standard scope of practice" to hide an affair makes the whole scenario wrong. You put pins and codes on your phone, buy lubes and toys and hide them in the car, collect all the bills so your significant other doesn't get the chance to see what you've been spending ya'll's money on, and/or the whole separate account that they don't even know exists. Do you see how much extra energy is exerted when your trying to hide, sneak, and manipulate?

Now I have had my own experiences with cheaters. As a matter of fact, I have only been in 3 relationships. All of them have their story of infidelity. Not on my part, but on his. Believe me, I could have so many times its RIDICULOUS!!!! It's just not my thang. Anywhoooo, back to what we were discussing. All 3 of these relationships were with 3 totally different personalities of men. But they all left me with the same feeling inside------Inadequate. Each one compounding on the previous one. The funny thing about healing is that the wound gets covered over by layers of scar tissue and if you happened to hit or reinjure that same area, the wound reopens. The second time around it takes longer to heal and your body tends to remind you of the ordeal with a bigger scar.

So why is it when your significant other cheats, they are not willing to let you heal? Why is it that they want you to forgive and forget overnight? Most people do not understand that the forgiving takes place much more readily than the forgetting. Its harder to forget how you felt when you were told or you discovered the infidelity. That feeling is worse than anything you can imagine. It is essentially a death to your soul. At that moment, you know that there is no way that the love you once knew could ever be mended. It will take a greater love to be able to move past it and not want to cause them physical and psychological harm every time you look at them. (Believe me it's a daily process) And even there are plenty of times when a person is not even willing to try to forgive. They just can't.

So what to expect from the person who forgave? Well there are two types of people who forgive----the one who literally turns the other cheek and acts as if this is your one "get out of jail free card" and there's the other 99%, the one who forgives, but there is no trust. This is the relationship of hazard. This is the relationship where you have the drive-bys, the phone taps, the unexpected visits, the clothes check, the video cameras, the phone records investigation, the bank alerts that come directly to your phone, the tracking devices, etc. etc. It's essentially a Diary of A Mad (insert race) (insert gender) in living color. This relationship is in turmoil until the "cheatee" is satisfied that no further wrongdoing is occurring. This could take weeks, months, or even years. YEARS!!!! Yes years, why? Because it took many years for them to build that relationship with you. In those countless years, everyday was a brick in the foundation of trust. And in a matter of seconds, that foundation was broken because the "cheater" did not process their "choice" all the way to the ending.

"But it just happened!" The one thing that I have learned in my many years of counseling, is that everything you do in life is a matter of choice. If you become a crack head, its because you once chose to smoke crack. There are no real excuses. You received a call or a text from someone you know (met) whatever, you decide to meet up for drinks or dinner or what have you. You already know if this person is someone with whom you are attracted to. You choose to meet at a time, conveniently, when your significant other is not around. This is most likely someone your significant other has not even been introduced to. Just yo "peoples." Some how or another boundaries are physically crossed...hands touch, wrestling, etc. which initiates additional contact. At some point you decide whether you want to fuck or not. You decide this. It may be a matter of 10 seconds, but you decide to go through with it. You decide to undress, unzip, expose yourself. Your clothes don't just magically disappear! During all of these moments, you could have stepped back and never gone through with it. But you didn't so the consequence of your action is the hurt, neurotic, ashamed, insecure shell of your girl/boyfriend, husband, or wife. It doesn't matter what age or gender.

Some people get over it by fucking someone else (an eye for an eye, bitch!), while others leave (fuck this!). Then there are those like me who are trying to get through the insecure, neurotic, hurt stage and move forward. It's hard as hell because I can't let him see me cry and as much as I want to stop checking everything; it is now my drug of choice. Sad thing is this behavior is destructive and I know it. It may push him away, but the love I had for him didn't keep him away from her. I think "that could be the next one" or "maybe this girl is more his type," with every woman I pass. I eyeball cars that leave our complex as I come home, thinking that I may catch a glimpse of the next bitch he fucks with. And all the while he's telling me that he's not doing anything.

That may very well be true, but my soul is not content yet. And logic dictates that if a lie came out of that mouth once; it could again. For those same lips told me that "I would try my best to never hurt you," "I love you," and "I will leave before I ever cheat." And we see how that all ended. Logic wins again!


Saturday, October 6, 2012

Icy Hot
Staring at the mirror, disturbed by what I am.
Something less than astral, but so much more than man.
Ice fills my veins from the path that i have chosen.
Blood flowing cold from a heart long fronzen.
Cold and calm, still like frozen water.
Patient and chilling waiting for slaughter.
Steady and constant as the hand of death.
Gripping my prey till its dying breath.
I stare deeper into myself searching still.
Another side to my persona waiting to be revealed.
An inferno inside where the foulest of demons could not dwell.
A temper that smolders hotter than the embers of hell.
A rage so fierce it stands second to none. 
A fire inside, burning hotter than 1000 suns.
An anger inside ready to scorch earth.
Burning everything in my path since birth.
Guiding me, leading me, forging my will.
Searing into my mind vengeance, justice and retribution. 
Staring into the mirror wondering what i am.
Less than astral but much more than man.
I am two halves of a whole. I am ying I am yang
I am life, i am death.
I am eternal.

None of you have ever seen inside my mind, so i figured i would give you a peek into the everyday thoughts that flow through the amazing creation that is my mind. I hope you all enjoy reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Reflection

Alone in a room, it's just me and TRUTH.
A lone mirror stands and in it is my reflection.
"Who are you?" she asks.
"I am you and you are me."
"NO," she replies.
"I am the reflection of who you have become, not who you are meant to be."
"You see you have let doubt, hurt, and anguish take the sparkle out of your eyes. You have allowed the words and actions of others to take the joy out of your smile. You have found solace in the "good enough" and lost the will to persevere. I am not you, for you are not You!"
"But as I look upon you, I see my eyes"
"Dimmed by the selfishness you see."
"I hear my voice."
"Hardened by all the bickering to be heard!"
"I see my heart."
"Torn and tattered by trying to hold on."
"I see love."
"No what you have is hope and hope has no place for the intellectual. It either is or it isn't. It's just another way to keep you spinning in the same circle."
"But I see strength."
"We all must overcome something."
"I see honor."
"Honoring others is nothing, if you do not honor yourself."
"I see a confidant."
"But who do you confide in? No one, so you're just a dumping space."
"I see a woman."
"But what have you birthed, nurtured, and cultivated?"
"I am a Goddess!"
"Then act as such. A queen never takes what is just given to her. She loves nothing less than a King of her caliber. She demands her honor and gives it where it is due. She adorns herself in dignity and character. She is a sight to behold."

Have you looked in the mirror lately?


I lost me loving you....

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you can learn to appreciate things when they are right and sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together."

Recently I recalled the day that I received the photos from the 2011 Fashion Week back from the photographer. The artists colors popped, models were in stride, and everything seemed perfect. But what affected me the most was the picture of my friends and I. It was this picture that made me realize that I was beautiful. Ugh its one of those blogs, right. No this blog is about a woman who invested, supported, catered and loved someone to the point that she could not recognize her ownself.

Unlike most women (yeah right), I have been hurt in the past by the men who held my heart. Now I may not have given my whole heart at times, but 90% of me was there in full stride. Nevertheless I have been lied to, cheated on, drugged (chemically), and made to feel as if I wasn't worth his time. Now was I doing everything in my power to be a good girlfriend, but there comes a point where enough is enough. The one thing I learned about myself during those times is I shut down when I feel like I've been wronged. I start looking internally as if I am the problem instead of the other person. I become "Insecure."

Now despite moving on with my life, forgetting, and forgiving a lot; I didn't forget the red flags. And even though I know my triggers, I can't stop "shut down" mode. Now the counselor in me (go figure right) lives by evidentiary reasoning. If I can't prove it, then it didn't happen. Now ladies I am aware of the 6th sense called intuition. Its going off like an ol' school alarm clock.

Back to my point. I have been in the semblance of a relationship for over 4 years. In the course of these years, we have never gone on a weekend trip, been to a movie, or bowling. I have never gotten a birthday card, a back massage, or a romantic evening. As a matter of fact, I have a running joke with friends that if I come home and he either hugs me or kisses me on his own; its Armageddon. I get those tokens of affection semi-annually or at least that is what it seems. Now I have planned trips and romantic evenings, they've been cancelled. Bowling and movies, he doesn't have time. Sexy lingerie on the stairs, "I got a headache." So after 4 years of "No", "not now", "maybe later", "I'm tired", the occasional poke in the back, etc., you can kind of see where my self-esteem has gone. Now I have never been a person who needed to be bought or was clingy; I really am more of the care less type. But over time that attitude changed as more of the things that I wanted to do were never done and only the things he liked or wanted to do magically found a way into our scope of practice. If he gave me a compliment, there was a criticism that followed. The only flowers he ever gave me (get this, he actually told me this) belonged to a coworker who received them from her soon-to-be ex. The card was still in them. Ummm Yeah!

Now its the thought that counts, men usually say. But it was someone else's thought. He just piggybacked on it. It's like forgetting your mother's birthday and re-wrapping something you gave her 5 years ago. REALLY MY DUDE!!!!

I used to be this happy, bubbly person who actually enjoyed every aspect of my life.  Growing up I learned to appreciate the small things in life, so the big things really don't impressed me that much. People forget that the little things make the big things more beautiful. All I want----quality time. Not another damn car! I could understand if I was the nagging girl who constantly refers to marriage or having a baby; I want a day that I can spend with my man. And since I have not been provided this one request, I have become resentful, investigative, and down right untrusting (more to this one, but it fits). I have never met anyone person in life (substance abuse clients included) that is more focused on just they damn self.

I have invested time, energy, essence, 40-lbs, many tears, letters, poems, p90x, and a hell of a lot of money to feel like the girl with a bag over her head. Outside of the four walls, people think that we are just peaches and cream. You talk highly of me and are so proud to have me on your "team." But I have never heard any of this. Inside these four walls, few words are spoken, I'm always alone even when you're home, and I dont exist because you "got a lot on your mind." So do I. Did I tell you that my sister is having a baby and there's a good chance I may end up with the child. Oh, well you don't have time to listen anyway. Home is supposed to be the place of peace, serenity, and love. Interesting : /

But I realized something. Somewhere in here I lost the deep, passionate love for myself. I lost the ability to look myself in the mirror and know exactly who was looking back at me. I lost my self "consciousness." I lost the girl who wrote poetry because it was in me, the woman who exuded confidence like fresh morning dew, the songstress who always had a tune on her lips and my adventurous spirit. The ancients believed that we were all born with everything we needed in order to fulfill our destiny. We were given the power to speak to command what we needed. But if it is never received, the voice grows faint. We were given the power to manifest words on paper. But if the letter is never read or responded to, the pen stops writing. We were given the ability to move so that we could travel great distances. But if you never move forward, you remain in the same place.

I realize that I'm a reflection of the relationship I saw between my parents. Nothing my father did was good enough. All he every wanted was for my mother to love him back unconditionally. In everything she found a fault, no matter how trivial. I saw my father's spirit shrivel away. As an adult, I asked him why he stayed and his only response was "because I love her."

I am my father's daughter.


Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Home is no longer where the ♥ is

Does your significant other spend more time out the house than they do in the house? Do they find reasons not to be around or interact with you? Well before you point to cheating, lets look at whats going on in house first. People are always quick to ask the question is there someone else, like there cant possibly be anything wrong in their relationship. Home is supposed to be a place of peace and tranquility. Not to say its perfect or it wont be problems. But home should be therapy. Home is supposed to be your escape from the world. But all to often home is the place of nagging bickering, harsh words and foul thoughts. For those of you who don't know, at one point in my life i was married, and towards the end of my marriage is when i would rather have been at work than be home. So i know a little about this topic :). Every relationship is about communication and compromise. People must stop getting their relationship advice from pop culture. In case you haven't noticed these people don't know how to have relationships either. First thing first talk to each other, that's the only way that you both will know what is going on. No women men aren't mind readers. And men women are just as clueless about us as we are about them, they hav just oversimplified us to make life easier for them lol. But there is a time and a place to talk, remember what i sad earlier, home is a place of therapy. Both need to sit on the couch and work out their problems, and once you leave the confines of home no one should know about your problems. Which brings me to the next point, stop telling people your business and putting your business on social media, because anyone that knows you knows what your talking about. Most times, people only talk about a person when they get on your nerves. And people outside only see you complaining, but sticking around, then comes the comments about you being stupid, and you should have been gone. These thoughts being planted in your head only give way to you wanting to be gone. No one should know what goes on in your relationship. If you think about it most of your friends are single or in a relationship themselves. If they are single then they have a good reason to hate on your relationship because they don't have anyone, if they are in a relationship, then they probably go home and talk about your relationship, and laugh at you. KEEP YOUR BUSINESS TO YOURSELF.
Now if you think about it and your communication isn't lacking or causing the issue, you have to then look at things like your sex life or how often you do things other than sit at home, things like that. So we will touch on sex life. Both sexes have fantasies and things they want done, but then comes the issue of how to approach it. Sad to say in this day and age there are women who don't like to give head, not really a fantasy but something a man enjoys. There are still men who don't like to eat out, still not a fantasy but something we know that women love lol. Now i recently had this convo with 2 different women, one woman said she is cool with getting but not giving, the other woman said as long as she gets she has no issue giving. I brought up that to say this, are filling your significant others desires?? Not to say that they are out getting it from somewhere else, but if they are bored with whats going on at home, then why would they want to be there? It takes to to make a thing go right. You cant let the relationship die down, find spontaneous things to do, surprise that person. Nothing better than coming home to surprises. The only thing harder than getting someone is keeping em, and you have to be willing to put in the work to keep em. When you buy a car, you do everything in your power to take care of that car so you get the best performance out of it, why should your partner be any different, and guess what, if you two are maintaining each other, then no one has to be selfish and focus on themselves. Thus making the home a happy place yet again.
Now if none of this works, then that person is probably not interested and is getting their kicks elsewhere, in which case you should give them a the ass and out the door. But before you go to looking outside when a problem arises, try looking at whats going on within your walls.

The god

Thursday, March 29, 2012


One of my friends put a post on his facebook page about the Trayvon Martin case. He feels that the issue is more than just racism, he feels that it is about fear that has been instilled through media and years of stereotypes. But i don't believe that, and its simple because i know many people who have chosen not to give into the ignorance delivered by stereotypes and the media. First off ignorance is a choice, you can choose to believe what your parents told you, you can choose to share your friends beliefs, or you can make the choice to go out and learn for yourself. Most children are told things to preserve their innocence, but when they get to s certain age of understanding they begin to learn that the things they were told to be false. I don't know any adult that believes in the boogie man, Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny. They chose at the moment of understanding, not to believe these things. So why should stereotypes be any different. Why should we as adults go out and learn about other cultures. Learning is the path to understanding, understanding is the path to enlightenment. enlightenment is the path away from fear. Fear is also a choice, you can choose to fear something because of what it is or you can choose to respect it. There are things in this world that are way more scary than black people or Mexicans, or whatever race people choose to fear. Cars guns drugs, shit stepping out your door is scarier. I mean lions kill its a known fact, but stupid people still choose to play with them. The point I'm trying to get at is that people choose what to be afraid of, this is caused by their ignorance. Another choice. Hate is a result of fear of the unknown, but things will remain unknown if you choose not to know about them. And that is what ignorance is. Ignorance is the exact opposite of wisdom, wisdom is acting/speaking with knowledge, ignorance is acting/speaking with a lack of knowledge. If we took as much time to learn each other as we did to learn some of the other dumb shit that we do, then our society wouldn't face some of the issues that we do. Its up to everyone to over come the barriers of race and inequality that have been set. True freedom lies through knowledge, knowledge of ones self first, then knowledge of others.

Written from the Heart,
The god