Inadequate

When do you release the feeling of being betrayed by the one you gave your all to? Is there a set amount of days, weeks, or hours that you have to achieve before you can graduate from the "Remnant" class? Remnant? Ummm you say. Yeah Remnants...whats left of you once you realized that all the time, trust, and love couldn't keep a motherfucker from being in a situation where the only reason is "it just happened, I didn't plan it." Yes fucker you did. See, society has a knack for making things obviously wrong taboo. The fact that your man hides porn from you is because he doesn't want you looking at him sideways for looking at it. The fact that you have to go beyond your "standard scope of practice" to hide an affair makes the whole scenario wrong. You put pins and codes on your phone, buy lubes and toys and hide them in the car, collect all the bills so your significant other doesn't get the chance to see what you've been spending ya'll's money on, and/or the whole separate account that they don't even know exists. Do you see how much extra energy is exerted when your trying to hide, sneak, and manipulate?

Now I have had my own experiences with cheaters. As a matter of fact, I have only been in 3 relationships. All of them have their story of infidelity. Not on my part, but on his. Believe me, I could have so many times its RIDICULOUS!!!! It's just not my thang. Anywhoooo, back to what we were discussing. All 3 of these relationships were with 3 totally different personalities of men. But they all left me with the same feeling inside------Inadequate. Each one compounding on the previous one. The funny thing about healing is that the wound gets covered over by layers of scar tissue and if you happened to hit or reinjure that same area, the wound reopens. The second time around it takes longer to heal and your body tends to remind you of the ordeal with a bigger scar.

So why is it when your significant other cheats, they are not willing to let you heal? Why is it that they want you to forgive and forget overnight? Most people do not understand that the forgiving takes place much more readily than the forgetting. Its harder to forget how you felt when you were told or you discovered the infidelity. That feeling is worse than anything you can imagine. It is essentially a death to your soul. At that moment, you know that there is no way that the love you once knew could ever be mended. It will take a greater love to be able to move past it and not want to cause them physical and psychological harm every time you look at them. (Believe me it's a daily process) And even there are plenty of times when a person is not even willing to try to forgive. They just can't.

So what to expect from the person who forgave? Well there are two types of people who forgive----the one who literally turns the other cheek and acts as if this is your one "get out of jail free card" and there's the other 99%, the one who forgives, but there is no trust. This is the relationship of hazard. This is the relationship where you have the drive-bys, the phone taps, the unexpected visits, the clothes check, the video cameras, the phone records investigation, the bank alerts that come directly to your phone, the tracking devices, etc. etc. It's essentially a Diary of A Mad (insert race) (insert gender) in living color. This relationship is in turmoil until the "cheatee" is satisfied that no further wrongdoing is occurring. This could take weeks, months, or even years. YEARS!!!! Yes years, why? Because it took many years for them to build that relationship with you. In those countless years, everyday was a brick in the foundation of trust. And in a matter of seconds, that foundation was broken because the "cheater" did not process their "choice" all the way to the ending.

"But it just happened!" The one thing that I have learned in my many years of counseling, is that everything you do in life is a matter of choice. If you become a crack head, its because you once chose to smoke crack. There are no real excuses. You received a call or a text from someone you know (met) whatever, you decide to meet up for drinks or dinner or what have you. You already know if this person is someone with whom you are attracted to. You choose to meet at a time, conveniently, when your significant other is not around. This is most likely someone your significant other has not even been introduced to. Just yo "peoples." Some how or another boundaries are physically crossed...hands touch, wrestling, etc. which initiates additional contact. At some point you decide whether you want to fuck or not. You decide this. It may be a matter of 10 seconds, but you decide to go through with it. You decide to undress, unzip, expose yourself. Your clothes don't just magically disappear! During all of these moments, you could have stepped back and never gone through with it. But you didn't so the consequence of your action is the hurt, neurotic, ashamed, insecure shell of your girl/boyfriend, husband, or wife. It doesn't matter what age or gender.

Some people get over it by fucking someone else (an eye for an eye, bitch!), while others leave (fuck this!). Then there are those like me who are trying to get through the insecure, neurotic, hurt stage and move forward. It's hard as hell because I can't let him see me cry and as much as I want to stop checking everything; it is now my drug of choice. Sad thing is this behavior is destructive and I know it. It may push him away, but the love I had for him didn't keep him away from her. I think "that could be the next one" or "maybe this girl is more his type," with every woman I pass. I eyeball cars that leave our complex as I come home, thinking that I may catch a glimpse of the next bitch he fucks with. And all the while he's telling me that he's not doing anything.

That may very well be true, but my soul is not content yet. And logic dictates that if a lie came out of that mouth once; it could again. For those same lips told me that "I would try my best to never hurt you," "I love you," and "I will leave before I ever cheat." And we see how that all ended. Logic wins again!


~Isis~